PROUD TO BE NUTS

I am 'proud to be nuts' - and I mean that in both connotations. I am, of course, proud to be 'a Nut' as in a member of May Contain Nuts Theatre Company, but I am also proud to be 'nuts' : The Oxford English definition being an informal adjective - mad, crazy. 

So why would I be proud to be seen as 'nuts'?? Sit back dear reader and let me explain...

I speak to you from my own personal experience and I appreciate that every individual who suffers from any kind of mental ill health may see things differently. And that is the point. One of many points I'm hoping to talk about in this blog. Because every persons experience is different even if you have been diagnosed with the same thing. And every individual will appear differently, we're not all clearly 'mentally ill' on first appearance, or even on our 100th appearance! In fact, you would probably never even guess that I (like I said, speaking for myself here) have attempted suicide 4 times and have had 7 admissions to a psychiatric ward. And I'm going to assume that if you are reading this, then you know of our work, and may even have met some us before, or that you have an interest in mental illness in some capacity. Maybe you are a student who has attended our simulation sessions at The University of Hertfordshire? What I want to share with you all is the sense of pride I have found within myself from doing these workshops and how my mental illness has given me purpose. 

Prior to my first overdose I had not been 'nuts'. No one saw it coming, no one believed it when it happened and some still can't get their heads round it today. I had no prior convictions if you will, I was a fully functional 'normal' being. I hadn't had the easiest life but I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was working full time in a career that I'd worked hard to get, I was a single mum to teenage boys going through GCSE's and A Levels, I had a fiance and a new house. I was winning at life. Except I wasn't, and nobody knew. This was 2010 and the current wave of 'awareness' and media attention hadn't happened yet. But there I was, driving home from work on my lunch break knowing that I was about to take as many painkillers as I could find in the house and down them with a bottle of lime Smirnoff. As it turned out we had a lot of painkillers. I tell you this to illustrate the point that my first suicide attempt was not something that I had planned meticulously. It happened very quickly. I had told my then-fiance the evening before that I was suicidal but, as I didn't look like I was, and hadn't been behaving like I was, he didn't take it seriously. He didn't understand. And I didn't understand. There had been no build up, no strange behaviour, no breakdowns, no howling at the moon. No suicide letters were written, no dramatic episodes of 'attention seeking', just a calm declaration that I was going to kill myself. 

Obviously it didn't work, and I was very ill for some time after with severe clinical depression. My knowledge of the world of mental health services prior to this was that it only existed for lunatics and 'other people'. But, as I came slowly out of the depths of the abyss I got quite angry and defensive. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs 'this happened to me ! This is real ! People need to be aware of this!' I had lost my job, my home and my relationship overnight because of an illness that nobody talked about. Why was nobody talking about this?? Why didn't I know this could happen to me? Why did my family and friends not know this could happen? A fire was lit inside of me and I decided that I was not going to be ashamed of my mental illness, of my suicide attempt, of the fact that I was still struggling and didn't know who I was anymore. So I wrote to all of my friends, to ex work colleagues, and told them what I had done. I told them of the reality, of the stigma and of the guilt that I should be feeling - that I expected to be shunned, ignored and ridiculed. But I asked them to talk to me about it. I told them that it could happen to them. To those around them. To the people that 'would never do something like that'. The people like me. 

And I have refused to be quiet about it ever since.

And so when May Contain Nuts were asked to do role play sessions with Mental Health Nursing students I saw this as an opportunity to shout about it at the top of my lungs. Not just to the people who knew me, but to the people who might meet me at my lowest, the people that might be responsible for my care in future times of crisis. And I wanted them to see the reality, the pain, the turmoil, confusion, the absolute complete living hell that having a brain that works against you, is. To put the text books down and listen. To see. To respond with compassion and empathy and not just give out the medication. To know, really KNOW that there is a real human being beneath the chaos that is presented to them. And this is what we do in these role play sessions. And I am proud to say that we succeed! We give these students a taste of reality, off of the pages of the textbook and the stuffy lecture theatre, and bring real people with real experiences to stand in front of them in all of their vulnerability, and ask them for help. They don't always get it right, but that is the point. We are there to help them be the best nurses that they can be. We have had some deep discussions, we have cried, we have disagreed, we have shocked, and we have laughed! And we have learnt from each other what it is to be 'mentally ill' and what we need when we are in the depths of crisis, how to recognise suicidal intent and ideation, how to deal with mania and psychosis, with aggression and complete shutdown. And we do this by talking, by being brutally open and honest about how it is for us, which can be shocking and upsetting for us all, but that's how we learn. That's how we understand each other as human beings. By talking, listening and actually hearing, by shared experiences, a mutual understanding but above all - compassion. 

For me, my life now has purpose. Without my mental illness, without my suicide attempts and admissions I would not be able to do this. This is me. And when we speak to the students at the end of these sessions and they tell us that it has been the best experience for them, how they see things differently after talking with us, that they will never forget what we have taught them, I feel PROUD! Proud of them, proud of us as a Company but more than anything proud of myself. And this is something new for me. I struggle with my self esteem, my self worth, my confidence. I can't walk down the street alone, I can't do a weekly food shop because it's all too much. Life is overwhelming and I struggle every day. But you would still never know to look at me. But in these moments of connection with the students, life is worthwhile despite all of the pain. To know that my experience has helped a future nurse, be it a mental health nurse, a general nurse or a paramedic, is golden.  

I have always been proud of my fellow 'Nuts', I watch them and listen to them all in awe of their bravery in sharing the most vulnerable parts of themselves. My heart breaks every time, even though I know what they are about to say because I know how painful it is for them. But I have only just been able to apply this to myself. I would feel such joy for them when a student has given feedback and thanked us for what we do. I know that as a Company we are making a difference and our work is invaluable and that we truly are a one of a kind. But I am now starting to be able to apply that to myself. I have never been able to accept individual praise, compliments or congratulations. The idea of 'blowing my own trumpet' brings back my deep seated feelings of shame and I want to hide. So I would never talk about my own triumphs, never share anything positive that has happened, because of the perceived punishment that would come my way. Therapy is helping with this, but so are the students! They may not be aware of this, but I am learning so much about myself from sharing my experiences with them. The workshops give me an outlet where I can talk without fear of ridicule, judgement or blame. Where I can feel useful. Where I can be safe. So I would like to thank every student that has worked with me, with us, for making me feel that I have worth. That getting out of bed every day has a purpose after all. That I can recover from a period of crisis and use that experience for good, to share and learn from.

But most of all for helping me find myself.

For making me proud to be nuts.

​KS

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